Do you notice that you are going above and beyond for others or are you scared of disappointing others? This is a behavior called people-pleasing. It can look like putting others' needs before your own, avoiding conflict, or having difficulty saying no. If these attributes sound like you, know that you are not alone and there is another way. Today, we will explore why this happens and how to move forward in healthy ways.
Origins of People-Pleasing
There can be many reasons why we can exhibit people-pleasing tendencies. It can be present due to previous trauma, which can look like a fawn response; pleasing others in order to avoid conflict and keep oneself safe. Another reason is, perhaps, you felt you needed to put others first in order to be accepted or to maintain harmony within your family unit.
People-pleasing can be a desire to gain approval from others or a way to avoid rejection. I invite you to explore where this may show up in your life and with your relationships, whether your family, work place, or with your friends. Notice where it began and the driving force behind it. I encourage you to explore this with curiosity over shame.
Prioritize Your Needs
When we are engaging in people-pleasing, we are often putting ourselves last. A healthy way to make changes and stop engaging in this behavior is prioritizing yourself and your needs. Perhaps, you may not know what you need and I invite you to explore what you may be giving up in order to please others. A way to explore this is by noticing your emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.
For example, if you are feeling sad, perhaps you need comfort and you can reach for a cozy blanket or listen to your favorite music. Our emotions are messengers and can be a powerful tool to help us meet our needs.
Set Boundaries
It takes courage to practice this, but boundaries are essential in taking care of yourself, maintaining quality relationships, and can be a healthy way to reduce people-pleasing. Setting boundaries can prevent resentment and burnout in our relationships, especially when we are over-exerting ourselves to please others.
A boundary could look like declining a request when a friend invites you to go out if you are tired or setting aside time in your week for yourself. It is important to explore where you may be pushing yourself past your limit. I encourage you to understand your boundaries and implement them.
Be Compassionate With Yourself
As you start making changes, I invite you to do so with compassion and gentleness. It can feel like a huge risk or challenge to reduce people-pleasing, so when it does feel difficult, can you offer yourself kindness? An encouraging mantra or phrase can be a great way to be compassionate with yourself. You could use a phrase such as, “My needs are as important as others.” It can take time and practice to implement these strategies so be patient with yourself.
People-pleasing can be a common behavior that most of us experience. However, by recognizing this behavior, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your needs, you will be able to have a life that is fulfilling and authentic.
Compassionate Affirmation: “I am already enough, exactly as I am.”
Additional Resources:
Recovering People Pleaser: This evidence-based mini course will teach you how to advocate for yourself, so you can have healthy relationships and connections. You will learn how to have the power to safely prioritize your wants and needs. You can enroll in the course here.
Becoming Anchored in Hope,
Laura
LPC-MHSP, CEDS-C, ACS, NCC
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